CHUI RECORDS & PRODUCTIONS CHUI ENTERPRISES
GREEN LEOPARD, INC
ORIGINAL SHORT STORIES
STEPHEN J. JACOBS
The End of Mankind did not occur without a sort of ironic humor (depending upon your perspectives, of course.) Most humans, especially those with beliefs in Biblical Apocalypse and scientists whose theories included everything from worldwide pandemic human eradication by lethal diseases, toxic pollution, nuclear war and planet-destroying impacts by giant asteroids, were not able to predict how it really happened. The human tendency towards narcissistic, anthropocentric species hubris would probably not have thought of something this embarrassing and humiliating.
Unfortunately for humans, a military scout UFO from a huge Space Armada of GIANT ALIEN KILLER CHICKENS (GAKC for short) landed right next to a Foster’s Farm in Northern California. Horrified and very, very angry by our treatment of their smaller, defenseless avian cousins, they immediately attacked and conquered Planet Earth. They captured every human being that ever ate a chicken dinner, loaded them into huge cargo ships and sent them to their home worlds across the galaxy.
Upon arrival, all of these humans were sent to the finest GAKC restaurants and GAKC Master Chefs. There, they were transformed into great new dishes like “Caucasian Casseroles”, “Afro-Almandine”, “Chinese Dumplings”, “Chicano Burritos”, “Fried French”, "Aborigine Outback Stew" “Roast Boer”, “Natams & Rice” and “Russians on Rye”, etc.
A large percentage of human vegetarians actually thought this was kind of amusing and were smirking as they made sarcastic remarks…until GIANT KILLER ARTICHOKES (GKA) from another Dimension appeared, then snatched their stupid, two-legged hairless monkey asses away to the GKA Dimension for a similar fate.
Once all humans were eradicated, the remaining animals, plants and microbes all gave the GAKCs and GKAs a standing ovation for getting rid of such environmentally and ecologically destructive creatures as humans had devolved into.
I don’t know if this is any consolation, but there were two species of animals that kind of missed us…for a brief moment. The domestic dogs missed us, until they remembered choke collars and chains, spaying, neutering and the small cramped apartments in New York and Paris. The “domestic” cats (this is an oxymoron, because they were never really domesticated) missed our hands and laps because we could open containers of food and pet them. Other than that, they never really liked us that much, anyway.
To all the street preachers predicting Armageddon at traffic intersections with their megaphones, I’m sorry if this is in conflict with your more Divinely inspired version. The End of Man will more likely be the title of this cautionary tale: FOWL KARMA.
FOREWORD By Author: Next poem's unique background story!
Several years ago, some people who may or may not have been associated with the Earth Liberation Front torched a bunch of SUVs in San Diego, California. For several weeks there was a great deal of discussion and debate about this in several Southland major and minor newspapers and radio talk shows. There were many different opinions, some Pro, some Con and many suggestions for various courses of action regarding this incident. This was of course, the human commentary and suggestions. I wondered what the Wild non-human animals in the adjacent forests thought about this and what their suggested courses of action would be if they could articulate the way we do and engage things the way we do. So, in the spirit of the Great Gary Larson, creator of the hysterically funny, non-anthropocentric "The Far Side", I wrote this story. Some of my friends think it's funny, hopefully you will too!
THE ELF BOOK OF CHILDREN'S STORIES
STORY #1: HOW COYOTE SAVED THE FOREST
By Stephen J. Jacobs
Gather around little Human Cubs and listen to this tale (or tail!) Once upon a time, there were two Bad Humans with the same last name. Charles Rong was a cruel, stupid, adult male, who worked as a management executive in Northern California for a rapacious corporate lumber company under indictment for multiple counts of deliberate illegal logging of old growth trees in wildlife forest sanctuaries. When Charles was not busy directing logging crews in murdering Mother Earth's trees, he liked to go into the forest, then shoot and kill any animal he could. Not because he was hungry, he just liked to kill animals and leave their bodies where they fell.
Lydia Rong (no relation to Charles) was a wealthy, arrogant, spoiled, Generation X yuppie adult female who worked as a SUV salesperson for an especially crooked auto dealer in West Los Angeles, CA. When Lydia was not selling extra-environmentally destructive, 5 mile a gallon SUVs to other arrogant, shallow, selfish, image conscious Westside L.A. yuppies like herself; she spent a lot of time mindlessly driving up and down the California coast in her gigantic, 5 mpg SUV, poisoning the air with the very filthy, carcinogenic exhaust coming out of the deliberately badly designed, poorly engineered and flawed internal combustion engine of the behemoth sized yuppie urban assault vehicle.
One day, Charles went into the forest to kill something. He shot and killed a baby deer, and as usual, he walked away without eating his kill. Coyote observed this murder. Now, Coyote is very smart and very wise and he realized the Bad Human would have to be stopped before he killed everything in the forest. Coyote went to see Cougar and then to see Bear and arranged to have a strategy meeting on neutral ground between their respective territories. They discussed the Bad Human and agreed to work together to eliminate their common enemy. Cougar and Bear set up an L-Shaped Ambush near some rocks and bushes around the curve of a deer trail. The next time the Bad Human came into the forest, Coyote lured him into the ambush. Cougar, Bear and Coyote, jumped on Charles Rong and killed him.
All of the animals and the trees gave Coyote, Cougar and Bear, the various species' equivalent of a standing ovation for killing the Bad Human. Not wanting to defile the forest with the stench of rotting humans, Coyote, Cougar and Bear gathered up the mauled corpse of Charles Rong. They took his body to a small pedestrian bridge suspended over the California state highway adjacent to the forest and waited until nightfall. At about the same time, Lydia Rong was driving Northbound (very unsafely) - with a cell phone held to one ear as she used her other hand to alternate between steering the multi-ton vehicle with it's poor brakes; snort cocaine from a vial, and frequently drink shots of strong whisky - up the very same California state highway. Coyote, Cougar and Bear now had Charles Rong’s body teetering on the guardrail of the bridge, right above the highway's northbound lanes. They waited until it was very dark and when they noticed Lydia Rong's massive SUV approaching them, very fast and weaving across lanes, they waited until just the right moment and then pushed the body over the rail. They watched as it dropped towards the concrete below. Just as Lydia Rong reached the bridge, she thought that she saw animals on it, then Charles Rong’s body smashed through her SUV's windshield. Lydia Rong lost what little control she had of the huge, heavy vehicle and the SUV skidded off the road.
The last thing Lydia ever saw was an image in her rearview mirror, of the animals on the bridge waving goodbye to her. Then she, the deceased Charles and the SUV slammed into a huge concrete abutment at 90 mph. This is the best and right ending for this kind of story. Now the animals, the trees and the forest can live more safely; there are now two less Bad Humans and one less SUV on Mother Earth, which is always a good thing, and finally...the Moral of the Story: Sometimes, two Rongs can make a Right!
BY STEPHEN J. JACOBS