(a satirical example)
GREEN LEOPARD, INC
CHUI RECORDS & PRODUCTIONS CHUI ENTERPRISES
Copywriting is a fascinating tool in the marketing world
to introduce products and services to potential customers
and clients. It is used primarily as direct introductions
from business to potential customers and from business to
business (B2B.) It often very cleverly uses "button pushers"
such as humor, drama, "medical statistics" and deliberately designed sophistry to instill an immediate desire and need to acquire the product/s and/or service/s offered. Especially "One time Deal Special Offers that will only be available for Hours or a Few Days". It is also used by political, social, theological and many other institutions and organizations to promote their own "Brand Loyalty", so to speak, and of course, financial support and volunteerism to promote the various vested interests, thereof. I've done some Copywriting and it can be very challenging. The following example is NOT what I would do for a potential client and of course is designed to range from Satire to Absurdity. To any potential clients out there that might of been thinking of hiring me to create Copywriting on your behalf, try not to be offended, insulted, horrified or alarmed by my rather unusual sample below. I promise I'll be good to you and for you. Plus, you'll be able to see the level of unique and compelling creativity I can provide to you in legit Copywriting for your product/s and/or service/s. SJJ
70 YEAR OLD COUPLE'S AGE REVERSED TO 25 YEARS OLD!!
ASTONISHING MEDICAL MIRACLE WITHOUT LIMITATIONS!
A Revolutionary New Non-Prescription Adaptive Technology To Change Yourselves Any Way You Want To, Whenever You Want To!
I found this hard to believe myself, until I discovered the secret website where this BREAKTHROUGH IN ADVANCED HUMAN EVOLUTION WAS HIDDEN FROM THE WORLD!
I'M WRITING THIS ALERT ONLY TO A FEW SPECIAL PEOPLE, BRILLIANT INDIVIDUALS LIKE YOURSELVES!
PEOPLE WITH ADVANCED MINDS WHO ARE AMONG THE VERY FEW (OUTSIDE OF THE HUMAN SHEEP HERD) TRULY WORTHY OF THIS EXITING OPPORTUNITY!
I'M WRITING THIS TO YOU AT GREAT RISK TO MYSELF!
LET ME EXPLAIN BEFORE THEY STOP ME!
You folks are smart (which is why you are among the select few I felt somewhat safe in contacting) and have superior thinking skills. Just like you, I was very suspicious and cynical when I stumbled upon the secret hidden website I mentioned earlier. We have all received letters and pamphlets and emails extolling the "New Special Products and Services" many times, sent by sometimes legit companies, but usually by scam artists and con men and other suspect sources that ON INITIAL READING appear to be honest, straight forward and usually with "special limited offers", etc., to convince you to buy on impulse. This is now very prevalent in the "Alternative Medicine arena" with "Life Saving Herbal Supplements" and "Ancient And Until Now Secret Tribal War Tonic Used By The Ferocious Pict Warriors To Defeat The Powerful Roman Army Legions In Battle After Battle! The Sacred War Tonic That Caused The Pict Warrior's Superhuman Strength And Ferocity" or "Amazing Amazonian Female Warrior's Secret Sacred Plant Teas That Made Them Invincible in Battle"! These guys are the new "Snake Oil Salesmen" in modern times. Even worse, if you actually buy these products, they are usually pills or capsules containing inert bulk filler and only trace amounts of the actual "secret ingredients" IF ANY AT ALL!
YOU AND I ARE BOTH TOO INTELLIGENT TO FALL FOR THIS!
I believe in researching claims of this sort and I have just saved you from hours of having to do your own!
I FOUND IT AND IT'S REAL!!
!!!! MUTAGENIC !!!!
MANY OF US AWARE OF THE CRIMINAL CONSPIRACIES ENGAGED IN BY THE PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES, MEDICAL DOCTOR ASSOCIATIONS AND BIOMEDICAL RESEARCH COMPANIES!
We are aware that, for example, millions of completely innocent small animals are caged, tortured, maimed, murdered and forced to live in states of horrifying pain and suffering UNTIL THEY DIE HORRIBLE AGONIZING DEATHS at the hands of the "Biomedical Research Technicians", in thousands of laboratories around the world, that continue to use Live Animal Experiments, known as Vivisection, supposedly for the benefit of human medicine. The problem is that IT DOESN'T WORK! All it really does is cause human medicine to be unsafe, unreliable and with many, many dangerous complications, side effects and contra-indications.
LOOK HOW MANY TIMES FDA APPROVED DRUGS ARE PUT ON THE MARKET BY "BIG PHARMA" ONLY TO BE RECALLED WHEN WE START DEVELOPING CANCER, ORGAN FAILURE, TERRIBLE DRUG SIDE EFECTS, DIRE ILLNESSES AND DEATH! THE SAME DRUGS DEVELOPED BY THE "BIOMEDICAL RESEARCH COMPANIES" FOR BIG PHARMA! THE LAB RESULTS ARE CHANGED, DELETED, MODIFIED AND ALTERED SO THAT THE DRUGS APPEAR TO BE SAFE. THE FDA AND DRUG LOBBYISTS CONVINCE, PAY OFF OR THREATEN YOUR DOCTORS INTO COMPLIANCE AND THEY PRESCRIBE THESE MONSTROUS, DIABOLICAL CONCOCTIONS TO YOU!
THEY DON'T STOP UNTIL THOUSANDS OF THEIR VICTIMS DEVELOP TERRIBLE INJURIES, DISEASES AND SUFFER HORRIFYING DEATHS. THEY DON'T STOP UNTIL THE WRONGFUL DEATH LAWSUITS AND MEDICAL NEGLIGENCE CLASS ACTION JURY TRIALS EAT INTO THEIR PROFITS. THEN FOR "PUBLIC SAFETY" AND "COMPASSION", WITH OUT EVER ADMITTING ANY GUILT, THEY WITHDRAW THE DRUGS.
BUT! LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE! AT LEAST THEY ARE PROVIDING EMPLOYMENT FOR A LOT OF MEDICALLY INCOMPETENT SADISTS AND SOCIOPATHS!
MUTAGENIC IS THE REAL DEAL!!!
I'D BETTER GET TO THIS BEFORE I GET ANY MORE THREATENING LETTERS FROM THE "BIG PHARMA" LAWYERS, OR EVEN SCARIER, THE MIDNIGHT POUNDINGS ON MY DOOR BY THE FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION'S JACK-BOOTED THUGS AND MERCENARY GOONS!
THAT'S RIGHT! I'M IN HIDING, FEARFUL FOR MY LIFE! I'M TAKING A BIG CHANCE JUST IN CONTACTING YOU!
HARD TO BELIEVE? HERE IS HOW I KNOW MUTAGENIC IS NOT ONLY REAL, BUT THE MEDICAL MIRACLE WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!
I did the research and here is the IRONY!
A ROGUE AND VERY BRAVE HARVARD TRAINED DOCTOR (WHO GRADUATED AT THE TOP OF HIS CLASS) WHO IS ALSO A TRULY ETHICAL RESEARCH SCIENTIST/MICROBIOLOGIST, WAS BANNED FROM CONTINUING HIS LIFE SAVING WORK IN MEDICAL PRACTICE AND RESEARCH BY THE AMA, WHO, AFTER BEING PAID OFF TO DO SO BY "BIG PHARMA", ILLEGALLY HAD HIS MEDICAL AND RESEARCH LICENSES STRIPPED AWAY! THIS BRILLIANT AND COURAGEOUS MAN FOUND MUTAGENIC BY ACCIDENT, WHILE INVESTIGATING SOMETHING ELSE!
Fortunately, for us, a very brave lady, also an MD (who graduated from Yale with Top Honors herself) and true friend of the brave gentleman doctor, was able to smuggle out TOP SECRET RESEARCH PAPERS from one of the evil laboratories. These FORBIDDEN DOCUMENTS were provided to her by an ex-Green Beret Combat Veteran who had infiltrated the facility at the behest of an Investigative Journalist from an Environmentalist Radio Station somewhere in the Midwest of the USA.
OUR BRILLIANT HARVARD TRAINED DOCTOR FOUND THE CLUE TO MUTAGENIC BURIED IN THE STOLEN PAPERS!
I need to provide you with a Biological Reality check at this point. As I'm sure you know, exceptionally intelligent folks that you are, the natural cell mutation rate is about one for every 100 cell divisions, for most human cells. Generally, mutations are harmful, but they also can be beneficial! Some mutations not only provide extra immune system advantages, but also are important to Environmental Developmental Biology and are one of the driving forces of Special variation and Evolution's ability to have new species derive from older species. Having said that, we also know that these horrible lab experiments I mentioned earlier, create a lot of highly toxic, mutation causing carcinogens! What none of us knew, and even surprised our brave doctors, is that:
A SIMPLE LABORATORY PROCEDURE USING THE "CITRIC ACID CYCLE" WHICH IS FUNDAMENTAL TO INTERIOR CELL MICROBIOLOGY AND "LIPID MOLECULE REVERSE TRANSCRIPTASE" WHICH IS A NEXUS TO OUR CELL MEMBRANES, CAN MAKE ANY TOXIC, MUTATION CAUSING CARCINOGEN INTO A POWERFUL AND COMPLETELY SAFE ADAPTIVE EVOLUTIONARY ADVANCEMENT TOOL TO THE HUMAN BODY AND MIND!
IS THE ONLY THING ON PLANET EARTH THAT CAN DO THIS!
HOW CAN THIS BE?
OUR BRAVE HARVARD MD., DISCOVERED THE KEY IN THE FORBIDDEN DOCUMENTS, WHEN HE REALIZED THAT THE EVIL LAB ASSISTANTS WERE TOO STUPID TO INTERPRET THEIR OWN DATA! HE FOUND A WAY TO NOT ONLY ISOLATE POSITIVE CELL MUTATIONS, BUT TO EVEN MAKE CARCINOGENS BOTH HARMLESS AND BECOME POWERFUL CATALYSTS! THEN CAME THE MOST BRILLIANT BREAKTHROUGH OF ALL! HE DISCOVERED THAT WITH EVEN SIMPLE MENTAL CONCENTRATION AND BIO-FEEDBACK, THE HUMAN MIND COULD LITERALLY DIRECT THIS POWERFUL AND BENEVOLENT MUTATION/CARCINOGEN FORMULA TO REVERSE AGING! REPAIR DAMAGED OR DISEASED BODY ORGANS! CURE ANY DISEASE AND EVEN RE-GROW MISSING LIMBS! AND THAT IS JUST THE BEGINNING OF THE LIMITLESS POSSIBILITIES!
I HAVE MORE GREAT NEWS!
THE BRILLIANT AND BRAVE HARVARD AND YALE DOCTORS WERE (LIKE I AM NOW!) ON THE RUN FROM THE FEDERAL AUTHORITIES AND THEIR PUPPET MASTERS IN "BIG PHARMA". BOTH WERE SAVED BY A RICH AND POWERFUL PRIVATE AIRLINE OWNER AFTER THEY SAVED HIS DYING SON! THE BOY IS NOW COMPLETELY HEALTHY AFTER BEING PRONOUNCED "INCURABLE" BY EVERY DOCTOR AND SPECIALIST HIS PARENTS HAD BROUGHT HIM TO!
THIS RICH AND POWERFUL MAN (I CAN'T DIVULGE HIS NAME OR HIS AIRLINE FOR SECURITY PURPOSES) WAS SO GRATEFUL, HE SMUGGLED BOTH DOCTORS OUT OF THE COUNTRY AND SET THEM UP IN A SECRET, HIDDEN, HEAVILY GUARDED, STATE OF THE ART SUPER LABORATORY AT AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION THE BAD GUYS CAN NEVER FIND!
HERE IS EVEN MORE GOOD NEWS!
The Doctors and their very talented and ethical lab assistants, secretly contacted 1000 volunteers for the clinical trials of this new medical miracle, brought them to the secret lab and began treatments. These great volunteers were very smart and brave people (a lot like you, who are reading this, have demonstrated.) Some of these people had serious, debilitating and life threatening medical problems. Some of them were visionaries, (like you yourselves are) and wanted to evolve and recreate themselves with total freedom and no limitations of any kind!
THE FOLLOWING TESTIMONIALS ARE FROM MEMBERS OF THE FIRST 1000!
From John and Mary Wilkins of Scranton, PA:
We were both seventy years old, in very poor health and had been completely disregarded and ignored by the regular medical establishment. After only two weeks of treatment with MUTAGENIC and the mental control/biofeedback exercises, we are now both 25 years old, both physically and in mental sharpness and clarity... WITH NO MEMORY LOSS OF ANY KIND! On those rare occasions when we actually stop our frequent bouts of very energetic and astonishing lovemaking and actually get out bed, we engage in all kinds of sports, travel and sightseeing all over the world! We can never thank these brave and wonderful Doctors enough, for literally giving us a brand new life!
From Horace and Ethel Smith of Iowa:
We are farmers and proud of it! After being forced to use all those horrible pesticides and herbicides by our farm's Industrial Agriculture Chemical Company mortgage holders or have our formally organic, free range operations foreclosed, we suffered terrible medical consequences! I developed chronic lung disease from the terrible chemicals we were now forced to spray on everything and my Beloved wife Ethel developed inoperable pancreatic cancer. After only one month of treatments with MUTAGENIC, we are both completely cured of any medical problems and both us have recovered both the energy and appearance of our early 30's (we were in our 60's.) Then we won the Iowa State lottery and had the money to successfully pay off our mortgage, sue the bastards in court and forced them to desist from any more interference with our now again, completely organic and free range farming operations!
From Mike Fuller of New York, NY:
I'm a professional Jazz Drummer here in Manhattan. I was having a good career and living a decent, if very busy life, until tragedy struck! I was walking across the street, with the green light, when a drunk driver blew through the red light and struck me. I was knocked twenty feet into the air and landed on the spikes of a wrought iron fence. The spikes impaled both of my arms at the shoulders. To save my life the trauma surgeons had to amputate both of my arms! In a state of horrible pain, horror and hopelessness of any kind of future, I was just about to jump off the Empire State Building and end it all! Then the miracle happened! A young woman stopped me from jumping and gave me an airline ticket and $5000 Dollars! I took the flight, we landed and I was put in a limousine and blindfolded. I don't know where we went and still don't. I was taken to a secret laboratory and with nothing to lose, I started the MUTAGENIC treatments. 6 months later, both of my arms had completely regrown and were fully functional. I was so impressed I deliberately underwent another 6 month MUTAGENIC treatment cycle, grew an extra set of fully functional arms and am now the first 4 armed drummer that ever lived!
From Judy and Edward Aviana of Los Angeles, CA:
My husband and I are both Ornithologists, specializing in Raptors and Wood Finches.
We had often fantasized about being able to fly like the birds do. We were some of the first volunteers for the MUTAGENIC clinical trials. After only 4 months of the treatments and bio-feedback applications, we both have fully functional wings with 20 foot wingspans and can actually fly and glide through the air like our beloved Avian friends! Of course we had to adapt to folding our wings so that they can't be seen under our clothing, which did involve some rather creative tailoring, but no problem!
Now, when we are sure we are alone and no one is watching, we literally spread our wings and fly! One of our local Police Officer friends also went through the treatments when we did and has been able to make us Special Consultants for the LAPD. We are making thousands of dollars a year in extra income by providing Silent Airborne Reconnaissance flights, identifying street thugs committing crimes on ground level and targeting corporate criminals who don't know we are spying on them from outside their hi-rise building's upper floor windows!
NOW WE ARE IN A RACE FOR TIME!
For you very fortunate few I have been able to contact, I am now going to provide you with the secret contact codes for getting your own personal stash of MUTAGENIC!
YOU MUST ACT IMMEDIATELY, AS IT IS VERY LIKELY YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO HAVE THIS OPPORTUNITY AGAIN!
REMEMBER, I AM BEING HUNTED DOWN BY SOME VERY EVIL PEOPLE AS I AM WRITING THIS TO YOU! I HAVE CYANIDE WITH ME AND I WILL TAKE MY OWN LIFE IF CAPTURED, INTERROGATED AND TORTURED BY THESE DESPERATE, CRUEL AND REMORSELESS FEDERAL AGENTS AND BIG PHARMA CONTRACT KILLERS, BEFORE THEY CAN FORCE ME TO TELL THEM WHAT I KNOW, WHO YOU ARE, AND HOW THEY CAN STOP YOU FROM GETTING YOUR MUTAGENIC AND THEN AFTER THEY HAVE MURDERED ME OR FORCED ME TO DIE AT MY OWN HAND...COME AFTER YOU, YOUR FAMILY, FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS!
YOU MUST IMMEDIATELY WRITE THE FOLLOWING SECRET CODES DOWN, MEMORIZE THEM AND THEN BURN THE NOTES!
(1) Go to http://forbiddenmutagenic.org
(2) When prompted enter the following:
There is only a limited supply currently available and it may be months or years before more can be made available. I'm very sorry, but we can only take the first 50 orders, in the order received!
THIS WEBSITE MAY ONLY BE AVAILABLE FOR FIVE MINUTES! THERE ARE ENEMY AGENTS ACTIVELY SEARCHING FOR IT AND IT WOULDN'T BE THE FIRST TIME THEY SHUT US DOWN AND FORCED US TO CREATE A NEW WEBSITE SOMEWHERE ELSE WITH DIFFERENT SERVERS, BEFORE THEY SHUT IT DOWN AGAIN!
YOU MUST ORDER YOUR MUTAGENIC RIGHT NOW OR YOU MAY NEVER BE ABLE TO AGAIN!
THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL PACKAGE DEALS ARE CURRENTLY AVAILABLE!
(A) One month's supply of MUTAGENIC + 1 EXTRA BOTTLE for an additional month of treatment! Specify whether you want the Liquid Tonic, Pills or easy to swallow Capsules for only $5,498.00 Dollars (we'll cover the Taxes and Shipping)
(B) Four month's supply of MUTAGENIC + 1 EXTRA BOTTLE, with your preferred specific forms (liquid, Pill, Capsules) for only $21,492.00 Dollars (you save $500.00 Dollars!) Again, we will cover the Taxes and Shipping for you!
NOW FOR OUR BEST OFFER...EVER!!
(C) For the truly Adventurous among you, with the deep desire to make more of yourselves than you ever thought possible, here is our final available package! Because of our very limited supply and the large volume involved, you must order immediately! If the other special people we have contacted put in too many smaller orders before you contact us, IT MAY BE TOO LATE FOR YOUR ORDER OF MUTAGENIC TO BE FULFILLED!
DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN!
ORDER RIGHT NOW!
THE AGENTS OF EVIL COULD BE SHUTTING DOWN OUR SECRET WEBSITE AS YOU READ THIS!
(C) IS THE MAXIMUM PLAN WE CAN OFFER, ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?
IF YOU ORDER RIGHT NOW, YOU WILL GET A TWELVE MONTH SUPPLY OF MUTAGENIC! with 2 Extra Bottles! for 14 months of this Life Saving and Life Changing, Personal Evolutionary Medical Miracle FOR ONLY $64,000 DOLLARS! THAT IS SAVING YOU ALMOST $2,000.00 DOLLARS!!!
I THINK ALL OF US CAN APPRECIATE SUDDENLY HAVING A COUPLE OF THOUSAND $ EXTRA IN OUR POCKET OR PURSE $!
Again we'll cover your Shipping and Taxes!
HURRY AND ORDER YOUR MUTAGENIC RIGHT NOW!
OH NO! SOME PEOPLE ARE POUNDING ON MY DOOR AND ORDERING ME TO OPEN IT! I MUST ESCAPE! YOU NEED TO LOG OUT OF YOUR COMPUTER RIGHT NOW, BEFORE THEY CAN TRACE THIS MESSAGE TO YOU! I HOPE YOU WROTE DOWN THE SECRET ACCESS CODES AND HAVE ALREADY ORDERED! IF NOT, ORDER RIGHT KNOW, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! HURRY, YOU MUST ORDER NOW! THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU WILL HEAR FROM ME AGAIN! THEY'RE BREAKING DOWN THE DOOR! I CAN SEE THEM! THEY HAVE MACHINE GUNS AND SHOTGUNS! THEY ARE POINTING THE WEAPONS AT ME! THEIR FINGERS ARE ON THE TRIGGERS! IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME, BUT NOT FOR YOU!
!!! ORDER MUTAGENIC NOW !!!
Wow! That was fun to write! I hope you enjoyed reading it. Remember, this a satirical example of Copywriting. In case I actually offended anybody, you know: struck a nerve, got too close to home, maybe exposed some seriously sick and sociopathic individuals and Institutions to a little too much scrutiny, turned over the wrong rock and shed some light on things some would prefer to remain forbidden, let me remind you of something:
(1) Satire is protected speech under the 1st Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. The legal precedents and subsequent cases established this decades or even centuries ago. If this wasn't true, Late Night TV Talk Show Hosts, Radio Station Shock Jocks and Comedians who regularly insult Politicians, Government Agencies, Corporations and lately, "Reality Stars", would be out of a job and probably be in jail. There is a well established legal difference between Satire and Slander or Defamation of Character, etc.
(2) If, in spite of that, you are stupid or incompetent enough to consider filing any form of Civil or Criminal charges against me, because of anything I said or inferred in my short stories, poems or the above satirical piece, see #3 below.
(3) I want to remind you that I am both a Vietnam Veteran and a Retired Sworn Police Officer. If you did something idiotic, like elements of #2 above, you would probably irritate me. If you irritate me, remember The Law of Causality. Actions and non-actions both have consequences! Referring to #2 again, for the probable consequences, see #4 below.
(4) At their very large Press Conference, with hundreds of Local, State, Federal and Foreign Media TV, Radio and Internet Journalists and their camera crews present, my Fraternal Order Of Police and ACLU Lawyers will advise the millions of viewing and listening audience members of YOUR attempted violation of my 1st Amendment Rights, YOUR Slander and Defamation of Character against me. They will also be filing Counter Charges against you and your corrupt employers for making Terrorist Threats, Harrassment, Civil Rights Violations and anything else we choose to present to the Local and State DAs and the Federal US Attorneys and their AUSAs.
(5) If this circus of hypocrisy (on your part) actually ended up going to Trial, then all of your Bad Karma would catch up to you in the worst Public Relations nightmare you could possibly imagine, much worse than your limited imaginations could even conceive of. You see, I have decades worth of real, admissible EVIDENCE of your crimes! This is already in a safe, secure and impenetrable location, yet immediately available to my Lawyers and I. We already have the capability of insuring that the entire Trial will be TELEVISED LIVE and on RADIO LIVE and on the INTERNET LIVE!
By the time the Trial is over, I will be found NOT GUILTY on all of your moronic Charges. Several of you will be Arrested for Perjury and other Charges and taken away in Handcuffs, while the whole world is watching, DURING THE TRIAL! In addition, we fill be Filing multiple Charges against you for Round 2 (the second Trial) and winning Millions and Millions of Dollars in Damages from you, by Judicial Order, with No Appeal Rights and Immediate Payment of the Damages in cash, Awarded to Myself and my legal Counselors from the FOP and ACLU. Even if you don't get Arrested, between the Bad Press, Bad Karma and financial devastation to your ill-gotten gains; you, your employers and your companies or organizations will be bankrupted, put out of business and become Extinct like the Dinosaurs did before you arrived and provided Planet Earth with your example of De-Evolution. XIN LOI (Sorry About That,) Have A Nice Day!